Lester's Pet
by mybrowneyes
Summary: Responses for 'Angel' challenge on Plum Fan Fiction and 'Dance' challenge on Rangeman Writers. Lester's pet parenting gets a little out of control.
1. Chapter 1

Just borrowing

LESTER'S PET

Bobby caught Lester sneaking up the stairs from the garage as he was coming out of his apartment. He had something in a brown handled paper bag from 'Pets n More'.

"Lester, what do you have in there?"

"Sshhh!" He unlocked his door and ran inside.

Bobby just had to follow and discover the big secret.

There Lester was putting a hamster cage on his counter, "You bought a hamster? Ranger's going to send you and your pet to somewhere in your own cage."

"Look," he held up a brown and white little hamster in his palms to his best friend, "isn't she cute. I think I'm going to call her Angel Eyes.

Bobby just looked at him, "And you'll be Butt Hole with Ranger's foot up your ass when he finds out."

"Stephanie has Rex on 7."

"Hers are Blue Angel Eyes, those," pointing to the new hamster, "are just beady eyes."

"I was going you ask you to be her Godfather," Lester had a smile on his face, "and the next time Stephanie and Ranger go away, I'll introduce Angel Eyes to Rex. You can pick one of their offspring for your very own. Ranger will never know."

**_SIX MONTHS LATER:_**

There was a sign in front of Rangeman: **_FREE HAMSTERS. ASK FOR LESTER_** (but please speak loudly, he has a hard time hearing in his traction unit.).


	2. Chapter 2

**__**

Lesters Pet

__

Part 2

"Lester, not again," Bobby let his partner in his apartment door.

He was shaking his head with closely cropped hair, "I can't sleep again."

"Your conscience keeping you up at night?"

"No, why?"

"Look how long it took Rex to recover from his weekend sexscapade! He was almost comatose when you put them together. Angel Eyes wore him out. Of all the female hamsters to buy, you picked the one who has hot to trot with human female size hormones"

"She's a hamster. She needed to get some."

"Yeah, both she and Rex were just too fertile. Angel Eyes had 12 little ones and I thought you separated the boys from the girls."

"I tried. But, do you how hard it is to see a hamster dick even with a magnifying glass. Those little buggers kept biting me when I was searching underneath for it. I guess some that I thought were boys were girls and girls were boys. You try and look at little fuzzy groins."

"Now we got incestuous rodents!"

"We're up to 43. I think we got a couple pairs of gay ones. They're always humping each other."

"What would you expect with cross breeding? Look what happened to poor Michael Keaton when they kept cloning him."

"I loved the dumb one in that movie."

"If Ranger finds all these cages and hamsters, you could only be so lucky to end up like him. Here, drink some warm milk," Bobby took a glass out of his microwave. "Have you tried counting sheep, watching PBS, or infomercials to put you to sleep?"

"Maybe I'll try that after I feed all the little guys and gals."

Lester went back to his apartment sitting amongst several cages and sunk down in his overstuffed chair hitting the remote. He found the Public Broadcasting Channel was running the 'Best of Ernie and Bert'. "I like them," telling Angel Eyes sitting on his lap.

"Next up is a favorite song," Kermit the host announced. "Dance Myself to Sleep."

"This is my other favorite next to Rubber Duckie," telling his small companion.

**__**

Sometimes I have trouble

Falling asleep

But it's not so bad

(Not again) ?

I don't worry

(Ooooooh)

And I don't weep

In fact I'm glad....

Be-cause I get up off my pillow

And I flip on the li-ight

(Turn the light back off!)

I get down and get hip

In the still of the night

I stretch and I yawn and then I breathe real deep

(Ernie!)

And dance myself to sleep!

(Ooooh, why me?)

I hoof around my beddie

Just a-tappin my toes

Before I know what's happenin'

I'm a-ready to doze

(Oooh...)

Got some partners I can count on called the Boogie Woogie Sheep

(What?!?)

I dance myself to sleep!

(I don't believe this!)

I gently rock-a-bye myself across the floor

(Ernie!)

I turn and then I toss and then I start to snore

(Ernie!)

My trusty little bugle helps me spread the news

That I'm tappin' to "Taps"

And I'm a-rarin' to snooze!

(Oh, not the bugle)

(Smokin' bugle routine by Ernie begins, interspersed with comments by Bert)

(Ernie...

Those sheep are tap dancing!

Oooh, why me?)

(

Spoken: Oh, that's nothing, Bert, wait 'till you see Rubber Duckie play the bugle!

Watch this Rubber Duckie, he's the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Duck of Sesame Street!

Ernie removes the bugle from his lips ... yet the bugle routine continues! Wild!)****

(Ernie holds his duckie up to the bugle, squeezes his tummy and the bugle routine really heats up!)

(bugle solo ends)

**__**

(

(Ernie! Ernie! Your sheep!)

Well, I'm gettin' kinda drowsy

(Your sheep! Call them off, please! Hey!)

So the moment has come

To grab my rubber duckie

(Oooh, not outside! Please!)

While the sheep take my chum

Time to shuffle off to dreamland

(Not outside sheep! Errrrnie!)

Got a date to keep

We'll dance ourselves to sleep, oh yeah

(Errrrnie!)

We'll dance ourselves to sleep

Wearin' our jammies

We'll dance ourselves to sleep

And thank you, lambies

We'll dance ourselves to sleep!

the sheep now begin to carry Bert and his bed out of the room)****

(final bugle riff)

**__**

(

Ernie's trademark laugh, as Bert looks in from window with long-suffering expression).****

Lester began dozing and never heard the silent dark figure entering and stunning him into oblivion.

He was soundly dreaming of hamsters, sheep, and cages. Lester came awake when he couldn't stretch. He looked around. He smelled something. He was in a cage with a big wheel sitting amongst 'Baaing' sheep and it felt like he was on a train by the rocking. Lester felt in his back pocket, no wallet, but lots of white fluffy fuzz was covering his body. Oops! Someone found out about his accidental out-of-control incestuous hamster breeding program. He noticed the tag on the cage read **_"TOP SECRET: BAD ASS SHEEP BREEDING FARM, ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO." _Lester recognized Ranger's distinctive elegant handwriting. He was going to have a long walk back to Trenton, at least he would be able to straighten up eventually. He hoped he wasn't part of the sheep breeding program come to think of it. Stephanie wouldn't let Ranger do this to him would she? Rex did have a good time. It was only a joke! Lester considered it for a moment and began kicking the cage. "HELP! HELP!" Lester didn't care he wrenched his back; he wasn't going to participate in Ranger's mutant sheep breeding program.**

**__**

TRENTON:

"Ranger," Stephanie walked into his office, "you know how all that weird news ends up on the Internet."

"Yeah, Babe."

"Someone reported seeing a two legged hunched over sheep hitch hiking east towards Trenton with very human facial features."

"Must be an escapee from the government's secret cross breeding program rumored to be in Area 51. The alien crash was just a cover-up."

"Really? Should we be worried?"

"No, Babe. It would never show up here," Ranger gave Stephanie a big wolf grin.

"Youre right, all the weirdos end up in the Pine Barrens."

Thinking to himself, "Lester may just need that traction unit when he gets back Trenton after Stephanie creams him for taking Rex's virginity and he gets rid of all those 52 cross-bred cross-eyed hamsters that sniff their butts and hump the water bottles now in individual cages so they can't breed anymore." Ranger had a vet come to Rangeman and the man laughed himself right out the door at all the mutant fur balls. Sheep breeding would be Santos best option at this point.

Dance Myself To Sleep

Written by Christopher Cerf and Norman Stiles

Sung by Ernie (Jim Henson), with comments from Bert (Frank Oz) in brackets


End file.
